Born on June 12. 1967, it was overwhelmingly apparent that Mark Unger was destined for great things. As he was delivered, Mark took a waist-high half-volley of the placenta into the back corner of a distant waste can evoking gasps of shock and astonishment from the delivering physician and assisting staff. From then on, soccer game became a passion, exceeded only by Mark's humility and good looks.

At age two, Mark showed signs of promise one day while playing soccer in his playpen. He placed a powerful strike past two rockem-sockem robots and into the lower far corner of the Speak-and Spell. He then celebrated by removing his Speed Racer t-shirt and launching it out of the playing arena and onto the living room floor.

Born in poverty in the small farming township of Towson, Maryland, Mark had to grow up fast. He quickly learned to parlay his fame from Catholic league dominance in the game of soccer into a lucrative prostitution enterprise. This pimping enterprise was truly leading edge in that it not only focused on revenue growth, but also provided his bitches with full medical, dental, life insurance and 401k. Later in life these services would become the inspiration for Mark to someday dominate the insurance industry. These financial accomplishments helped provide his entire family with security and happiness, even to this day.

After years of playing the game and amassing in vast fortune in ho's, and pimping, Mark spent a year in Tibet to ponder his existential purpose in life and to gain some clarity from the Dali lama. They used to play golf together. Unger recalls, "Big hitter, the lama. I still remember the thing he said to me after I caddied for him on day. I asked him for a little something for the effort, and he told me, "Unga galoonga Ungagoolungaloonga". Which translates: "there will be no money for you, but upon your deathbed, you will achieve complete consciousness"." So he's got that going for him, which is nice.

After spending the next several years playing soccer throughout Europe, Unger finally landed with Newcastle United. However, during his time in England, Mark found another vocation that probably kept him from worldwide recognition as a footballer. Mark's old friend back in the states, a goalkeeper, (who will remain anonymous), was stricken with impotence. Mark spent all of his free time working with physicians, chemists, and alternative medicine professionals through out the world to try to find a cure for his friend, the goalkeeper, (who will remain anonymous). This prevented Unger from focusing on his game as he felt now that he had a higher calling.

Unable to reach the first eleven after three years, Mark left Newcastle and returned home to Towson amidst much fanfare and celebration. He received the key to the city, was named Most Eligible Bachelor, and made the coveted GQ's best dressed issue.

Unmoved by this acclaim, Mark continued to focus on the development of a cure for his friend, the goalkeeper (who will remain anonymous). After two years, Mark had completed development and got FDA approval for his cure, Viagra. The friend, a goalkeeper (who will remain anonymous) was delighted, invigorated, has recently married, and is living a happy and fulfilled life.

Unger had still yet to achieve his most burning goal. He aspired to bring a club team in Maryland from the dregs of lowly competition to the ultimate pinnacle of success, the PPL championship. He chose the Stingers and spent several years slowly and methodically working with the existing talent, and ultimately developing new talent to achieve such lofty goals. He even convinced his friend, a goalkeeper (who will remain anonymous) to join in the effort.

During this process, Unger fell in love and lives with his beautiful wife TJ. He fathered three beautiful boys whose good looks and genius intellect are only exceeded by his own. His personal happiness seemed to be the last missing ingredient in his quest to bring the championship to the Stingers. Shortly after marrying the love of his life, (and the acquisition of a Belgian striker) the championship dreams became a reality. The Stingers are champions.

Ever humble, Unger asserts that the team, not him won the championship, and that this great game is founded upon the principles of unselfish and committed play. Despite his humility, we must recognize Unger as the true hero. He celebrated with the team and remains a part of the team to this day.

Now living a comfortable, and reclusive lifestyle in a lavish villa in Historic Lutherville, Maryland, Unger quietly enjoys his success with his family. The Gray Goose Vodka and Jager flow like a mountain spring brook. Even in his understated elegance, Unger seems restless. It is as if his greatness still struggles to be unleashed.

One can only imagine the future contributions to the modern world waiting to be delivered by his genius. Whether it is continuing to set the standard for footballers throughout the world, or medical discoveries yet to be unearthed, or simply to provide the hardworking men across this great country with the services of his top flight ho's, Unger will surely continue to weave his brilliance into the fabric of all of our lives.

(from Het Volk, translation courtesy of Yahoo.com)  BELGIAN SOCCER PLAYER HELPS STINGERS WIN THELONG-WANTED CHAMPIONSHIP!!

Last Thursday the Stingers won the championship by beating their archrivals FTQ. It took the Stingers  several years to win a championship and they needed alittle help from a Belgian to do so. MikeVanschoorisse is his name. A couple of years ago the Stingers' managers were scouting Mike in Belgium. They immediately liked what they saw and arranged for him to get married to an American to make it easier to live and play in the United States. Last summer Mike finally arrived in the Baltimore area and signed a contract to play for the Stingers. Nowhere in this contract was mentioned that Mike couldn't be overweight. Although Mike is a hard and tough defender by nature, his contract did mention the fact that in this team he had to focus on offense and forget about defense. And so he did. From insiders we know that Mike gets paid millions of dollars, not in cash, but in bottles of Grey Goose and Jagermeister. The rivals FTQ and Hopkins are thinking of filing a complaint against the Stingers for playing with a non US citizen. All Mike had to comment about this was " and what about the plastic surgeons". This coming July, Mike will visit Belgium to have a meeting with King Albert the second, and his wife Queen Paola. He will be crowned a knight and will receive the honorary medal for courage and sportsmanship. Until then his teammates can still call him Mike instead of Sir Mike. This extraordinary story about the birth of a Belgian star in the USA touches our whole country. Millions of Belgians are proud of Mike and now the Stingers are one of the most popular teams in this country. All we can add to this is GO STINGERS, GO SIR MIKE TO BE, Belgium loves you.

Wow, I had no clue they even knew I played for you guys.